Love Hurts Deeply...

This is probably the most depressing entry thus far. I've exhausted all means and ways to make myself feel better but all aren't helping. And this is very bad considering I've 4 mid term tests next week and I'm struggling to concentrate on my readings. Hopefully I can seek solace by expressing my feelings online and sharing with those who care.

This is the 2nd breakup I've endured over the past 4 months, both with the same person, let's name this person JL. We met in May 06 and started a relationship. We eventually broke off in Jul 06. Throughout this 2 months of relationship, there were Many Many Ups and Downs. Often, JL will be drunk and say hurtful remarks... I was at times insensitive to JL's feelings too. It was the period of time where we had to sort out alot of stuff. Lifestyle, personal interest and the age difference and what we look for in love and life etc etc.. The breakup was devastating. This was my first serious relationship and I was hurt so deeply, JL was hurt deeply too.

Throughout the breakup period, we maintained contact once in a while. Often, we attempted to patch back but I was so afraid and always withdraw at the last instance. 2 to 3 times I think. My actions has caused much hurt to JL because I will build up hopes everytime just to destroy it at the last moment.

We eventually patch up again in Aug 06, after JL called me late one night, and I felt I was ready to start again. Things were going on fine, at least that's what I feel. We promised to love each other. I want to love and to be loved. That's very simple, yet so difficult to achieve. What remain so ever vivid in my mind was the series of incident that took place from 9th Sep (Sat night) to 10th Sep (Sun night).

I bought breakfast over to JL's place on 09th Sep. While I did my readings, JL was doing housework and watching tv. In the late afternoon, I left to meet my parents and sister for dinner and shopping. After shopping, I went over to JL's place. At this same moment, JL was having dinner/ party at a friend's house and subsequently went to a club. At the club, JL called and I asked what time can I expect JL to be back. The reply was "I don't like to go home". In this instance, I thought haiz.. why doesn't JL feel like coming home when I am waiting at home.

I did my readings and some research till 3am.. Thereafter I send JL a message saying that I am going to sleep. There was no reply. Everytime I stayed over at JL's place, I yearn to fall asleep beside this person I love so dearly, even till now. I called JL at 4am. No one picked up the phone. At 5 am, I called again. The phone was switched off. I couldn's sleep the whole night. What came to my mind were all negative things. Has JL got into a drink driving accident or has JL lost the phone. While lying on JL's bed, I kept listening attentively to the sound of cars that went into the car park and the sound of the lift signal, hoping that JL will be back. At 8am, I could no longer bear this anxiety. I smsed JL's close friend and called my friend to express my anxiety as I felt so lost. I even thought of calling up hospitals A&E dept to check if there is a patient by this name.

No one knows JL's whereabout. At 1130am, I could no longer stay in JL's place. I went home. I received a msg from JL at 12pm+. The msg was brief " I was drunk, stayed over at friend's place, can't drive, lunch cancelled". I tried calling back but the phone was swicthed off again. My chest felt really heavy and exhausted and I can't breathe and can't even swallow food. My heart was aching so much. I felt so lost, depress and anxious. What is JL doing, what is JL thinking, what has happened etc..

At 7pm, I got a msg from JL, saying " I need to sort out certain things..." I called back. JL cried. I mentioned to JL about being accountable to me since we are attached. I need to know JL's whereabout etc.. and that being accountable means not hurting each other and not making each other worried.

JL told me " I felt so screwed up. I slept with another person. This is the first time in a relationship that I slept with someone else. I do not know if I still love you". At this instance, I thought everyone makes mistake and as long as U learn from it, I'll forgive. Also I love JL too much and I simply can't let go. Although JL reassured that this mistake Will continue and may get worst... I just couldn't let go. I have put in so much emotions already and omg.. I can't take another setback again, especially when I'm facing so much stress from school work etc..

After we hung up the phone, I started thinking to myself... Why is such a beautiful picture destroyed so suddenly. Do I really want to continue...Haiz.. sigh... It's really time to let go.

At about 10pm, JL called again. I initiated a breakup. This is a very courageous and difficult decision that I made. It is not easy for the both of us.

I woke up this morning, the first thing that came into my mind was JL. Had a good cry during shower. Came to school. Now alone in arts canteen.. This will be a hectic week. I need to rush out so many assignments, recover from this breakup and also to bring back my stuff from JL's place. I do not know how long do I need to get over this r/s. Many times I advised my friend to let go and move on.. But I can't. I am always held by noastalgia and matters of the heart.

Previously I bought 2 pillows for JL. They are still in my house. But now... well.. haiz.. who wants pillow? I can give U for free... =) To think that I can joke, I am feeling really lousy and depressed. I just hope Jinwei will come and meet me soon for lunch.

Haiz.. my uncle reads my palm lines and mentioned that I will have a turbulent love life. Indeed. I am so scared now. Don't dare to love anymore. "I was sure the rightful guardian of my life... (we promised to love each other and u even suggested a marriage during your birthday..) Damm u betrayer... how u lied!

Alright to all who are reading this entry, have a good week ahead and add to your prayers that I would recover from this asap =) Thanks